Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”