Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES