Bitcoin. Toothurt.
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I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.