[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
God making man in his image was the original selfie
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Not😆🤣
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special