My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
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….
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“Oh god wait.”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Ok but actually
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Reporter: *ports again*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk