About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.