Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
an airline just for babies.