Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!