[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
finally
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office