I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
when u come home smelling like another dog
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
No. He’s not coming out to play
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
This probably isn’t good
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point