The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath