Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
How times have changed.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end