A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
And now we wait
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel