Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
tourist season
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
estão todos miauvindo?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne