I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.