bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
haha same
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”