A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“you recording!?”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years