I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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…u ok Nintendo?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Get in loser we’re going crying
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.