Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
それは草
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: