Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes