My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Best mom ever 😂
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Worst perfume name ever.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it