In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Pringles
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.