“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.