*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
🤣🤣
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?