Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
You Might Also Like
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Thinking about Jeff
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard