therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.