What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Still my favourite meme.
I’ve had relationships like this
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.