i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
i made a craigslist ad !
The booster protects against what, now?
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
This came to me in a dream.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.