The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me