Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”