So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
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*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.