Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
PLOT TWIST:
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?