I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…