My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.