[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.