MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”