Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Still a very good boi….
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”