Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
this is what they would have looked like, though
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.