Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
a public service announcement
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Have a lovely day 😊
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.