i now pronounce you bounced.
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
That’s enough internet for the day
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Succinctly put.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The fall of Netflix
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?