The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
See..?
.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Perfect.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.