I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
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Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist