It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
real
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.