me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.