[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Happy Halloween 🎃
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.