My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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Does beer think about me too?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
When someone says you are so lazy