its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.