I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.