[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?