Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
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A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild